


JohnKat~ Cookies

by DemonicDani



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Baking, Betty Crocker is Evil, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, One Shot, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 21:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4641480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonicDani/pseuds/DemonicDani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, conflicted about his emotions for Karkat, decides to make cookies. After pestering Karkat to eat cookies with him, he starts to make the first batch but as he fumbles for the sugar it slips out of his hand. Karkat grabs him by the waist as he slips on a Betty Crocker packet of empty chocolate chips and awkward moments ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	JohnKat~ Cookies

John

You're name is John Egbert and you are stuck in a giant argument with yourself. Why? Because you think you might have a thing for a specific small troll who is constantly pissed off. You think. With all your might, you try to deny the fact you may have feelings for Karkat but even though you keep telling yourself 'I'm not a homosexual' you are starting to doubt yourself. Everything about the troll happens to turn you on, from the way he rants with his angry voice to the growls and snarls. You especially liked how pushing his buttons was easy to do and then he would fidget and rant. Occasionally he would have a small blush across his face which made you wonder, did Karkat like you as well? You know he once had a kismesis thing for you but you weren't into the hate marry thing. So you had no idea.

Which is why you were in the kitchen or whatever it's called (nutrition room?) you just call it the kitchen. You decided to make cookies to clear your mind and fill your stomach. You place all the ingredients on the counter and get out a whisk, you could almost imagine it as a weapon. Flour, eggs, butter and small yummy chocolate chips, which you hated since the sign of Betty Crocker had contaminated the once sweet treat. Damn it. You use them anyway, knowing trolls like sweet things, and use your PDA to get online pesterchum. You try to bury the thought that you may love him and you hover above the name carcinoGenecist, hesitantly pressing it.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering carcinoGenecist [CG] --  
EB: Hey Karkat! Beep beep meow!  
CG: WHAT IN THE EVERLIVING FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW EGBERT?  
EB: Just wanted to know bro if you wanted to hang out with your bro and make cookies in the kitchen bro.  
CG: STOP CALLING ME BRO. AND COOKIES?

You knew he would take the bait.

EB: Yeah cookies! They have chocolate chips too! :B  
CG: FINE I WILL BE THERE IN A FEW MINUTES.  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering carcinoGenecist [CG] --

Okay you have a cute raging troll coming with a sweet tooth who's going to make cookies with you. Nothing weird, just friends hanging out, right? Oh fuck, you just called him cute. Why is it that he made you feel this way? You were meant to not be a homosexual, but he just defies that by being hot and- Stop thinking about it. Preventing yourself from getting onto the thought train of thoughts for Karkat, you prepare the batter, reminiscing about when your Dad would cook in the kitchen. Dad... Again, stop thinking about sad things or Karkat. You really needed to focus on these cookies. Whisking the batter you swear you skipped something out... Sugar! You run to the cupboards and fling them open and grab the bag of sugar but loose grip of it as it tumbles out of your hands.

Karkat

You are Karkat Vantas, a nubby horned raging troll who is on his way to meet Egbert in the kitchen to make cookies because that sounds like a perfectly good idea, to hand out with the one person you harbor feelings for. That will toootally not be awkward. (Major sarcasm) As long as you don't fuck up everything, you're fine. Yet that seems merely impossible as you fuck everything up from quadrants to being a leader. What's worse is John, whom you have to admit you are flushed for, is not even remotely interested to be 'a thing' as Dave Strider called it due to the fact John keeps spouting out 'I am not a homosexual' like it's a victory flag. Fuck you really regret even agreeing to make cookies with him. Even though they don't compare to how sweet he is with that derpy smile and- OH FUCKING GOG. You really want to jump off of this rock. Not only will he never love you but you are forever destined to be his 'palhoncho' and his 'friendleader' nothing more than that.

As you arrive in the kitchen you can hear John fumbling around. The sound of metal hitting a glass bowl, most probably a whisk. The first time you saw one you freaked, thinking it was laced with tiny blades. Jegus fuck, past you is a nook whiffer. Enough about your hatred towards yourself, he was whisking until he stopped. He obviously didn't notice you but instead turned around to face the cupboards as you approached. You kept your footsteps light and watched him as he dove into the cupboards above, trying to find something. As you get even closer, you are quite close, he grabs a bag of sugar but carelessly loses grip as the bag of sweet sweet sugar falls to the ground. It seems like time slows down. John tries to grab it again but slips backwards and an empty packet of Betty Crocker chocolate chips. Figures. You grab the sugar and toss it at the counter before grabbing John by the waist to prevent him from falling. Success, you catch him before he falls and grab onto the counter to stop you going down as well. As time goes back to what seems normal, you realize three things.

A) John is clumsy as fuck.  
B) Betty Crocker is evil.  
C) You are holding him by the waist.

Shit, this couldn't get any more awkward. Wait, John's about to say it, isn't he? "Karkat I am not a homosexual." He says emphasizing the word 'not' as if you didn't fucking hear him the last time he said it. Shit just got more awkward. Truth be told, you don't give a shit if he is not a homosexual. In fact, you might play along with this game. "WELL, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." By now you are both standing but John is in front of the counter so you lean close to him, your faces 2cm apart by now. "Omg Karkat I am not a homosexual. What part do you not understand? I am not a homosexual!" He tries to convince you but you swear you see a tiny flicker of uncertainty in his bright blue eyes. Maybe your eyes are playing tricks with you, after all they will be red soon, the same colour as your disgusting blood. " AS I EXPLAINED BEFORE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR THE WHOLE 'I am not a homosexual' HOOFBEAST SHIT." You mimic his voice which makes him snicker a bit but he tries not to go any closer to you than he already is. "But Karkat I don't wanna be in your shitty troll quadrants. I don't even know what they are. And Karkat you're really close to my face." He moans, against the idea of quadrants. Well, not even Dave likes quadrants so that's understandable.

"AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT EGBERT?" You pin him to the counter, hands beside him on the surface of the counter. You're trying to not touch him in anyway possible, just so he doesn't elicit an angry response. Never fuck with someone who has a hammer as their strife specibus weapon. Fuck you do NOT and I repeat, NOT want to be whacked with one. Ever. You look at him, still 2cm away and he looks away. Again, you think you see uncertainty in his eyes. Maybe it isn't your imagination. "I-I don't k-know..." He looks away, trying to think of a way around this. Actually he looks like he is thinking about how close you are. Not in a 'this is bad' way but in a 'fuck what to do' way. Maybe he was a bit uncertain. " EXACTLY." You had him where you wanted, unable to do much and awkwardly fidgeting. There was a silent pause before John said something "Karkat..." He looked at you with his eyes. Fuck, you loved those eyes so much. "WHAT?" "I uh... nothing. Sorry." He mumbled then looked away, as if he was having a battle between himself about what he should do. You were confused, what was he going to say? "SORRY ABOUT WHAT?" You curiously ask but this confuses him a bit more as he gets a tiny bit angry. A tiny bit. "I don't know Karkat, why do you always have to yell?" His voice was louder than usual.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GO AROUND YELLING 'I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL'?" You counteracted, knowing his next answer. "MAYBE BECAUSE I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!" Wow. John just shouted. You sigh, knowing this is pointless. He would never like you more that a 'friend'. Fuck maybe after this he won't speak to you again. "JUST- leave me be." You had utterly given up retaliating. In fact you just wanted to go back to your respite block and curl up in your beanbag. At least then you won't feel as dumb as you do know. "Karkat?" His voice was raised, full of curiosity and... a bit of guilt? Nah can't be. You are the fuck up of the century, it's your fault as always, never anyone else's. You release your grip and attempt to walk away. You're not even scowling, that is how hopeless you think it is to continue any pursuit that involves John. "Wait! Karkat!" You try to ignore him but he grabs on the hem of your jumper. "Dude what's wrong?" He is definitely concerned.

"I should've expected this... Gog I'm making a fool out of myself." You mutter under your breath. You didn't mean to mutter it out loud but you knew that once John saw something wrong he wouldn't let you simply waltz out of the room without an explanation. "What?" He must've heard you mutter because he looked a bit baffled. "John... I like you." You had to think of the human term, saying the troll term would make him think quadrants and in all honesty, you wouldn't put him in a specific quadrant. You were so confused about how you felt for him that none of the quadrants would've fit the quota. "Wut?" He changed the way he said what, meaning he did hear you say you like him. Gog his brain is slow at processing things.

"FUCK IT- JOHN I LOVE YOU. AND THE FACT I KNEW THE OUTCOME WOULD BE YOUR NO HOMO SHIT MEANS IT'S PATHETIC TO EVEN TELL YOU HOW I FEEL YET ALONE HOW MUCH YOU DO THAT MAKES ME HAPPY." By now you could feel the intensity of the heat on your face increase. You were definitely blushing. "SCREW IT I SHOULD LEAVE BEFORE SOMEONE MAKES A MOCKERY OUT OF THIS CONFESSION." And by someone you had a feeling Strider would be all over this shit, with his irony and raps. He would never let you live this down. John has an iron grip on you though, stopping you from leaving. "Karkat, look at me." You did as he said and looked at him, which was a bit shocking. You could see the light blush across his face. "W-what?" You stutter, pretty much stunned. John sighs, not angrily or disappointed but more like a 'might as well' sigh. You couldn't move and looked down but a hand lifted your head up as soft lips were pushed against yours.

Wait...What? John kissed you. Fuck your blood pusher was beating rapidly. He leaned out of the kiss and gave you a cocky smirk. "Just because I'm not a homosexual doesn't mean I don't like you." He explained. What? That didn't even make sense. Let alone explain anything. Fuck you were speechless and couldn't even voice your opinions. John let out a small giggle as he stared at you. " Heh.. You're all red Karkitty." He stated. Sure enough, you were a fucking tomato. "S-S-Shut up!" You couldn't really speak that much and shouting wasn't an option you could choose. Also John mentioned the fact you shout so often, so maybe it wasn't the best idea to shout all the time. He patted you on the head, almost purposely bumping your horns at the same time. A shiver went down you as a slight purr escaped. Fuck. "Aww~ was that a purr?" He giggled some more. He definitely knows how to push your buttons. He then looks thoughtfully away. " I didn't know trolls could purr. That's kinda cute." He just called you cute with that adorable goofy smile of his. Damn that bulge licker. "NO IT ISN'T A TROLL THING- I MEAN... AGH FUCK!" You meant to say it's not a purr but it just didn't come out right, let alone go through the 'don't embarrass yourself' filter.

He get's what you mean though and teases you some more. "I bet it's because you're like a cat!" You are not a cat. "SHUT UP AND I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR STUPID PAWBEASTS CALLED A 'CAT' AS YOU HUMANS CALL IT." "Aww don't be silly." He goes to pet your hair and you try to deflect his hand but fail as he starts petting your hair. Then you jump back slightly, out of his hands reach. You are so not used to contact. "DO NOT EVER FUCKING TOUCH MY HAIR AGAIN, ESPECIALLY THE HORNS." And you totally did not mean to say the last part because a sinister smile spread on his face as he grabbed you by the waist (just like how you did earlier) and reached for the horns. He then gently traced a finger over one which made you start to purr. "F-FUCK y-you!" You couldn't yell with the purring sound vibrating your throat. So you had to repeat a few syllables. Just like a stutter. "Maybe later." He shrugged as if he actually considered what you said in the wrong manner.

"J-Jegus sometimes y-you're as cocky as S-Strider." You had to admit, what he was saying is something usually Strider would say but since John has ditched the non-homosexual thing then maybe this is what he usually would say. "I'm not cocky, I just know what we want." He smirked triumphantly. Shit he had the upper hand on this situation. Then you felt warm breath on your horns and his tongue went up the side of it, causing you to shudder. He then smiled in satisfaction, knowing the effect he had on you. "Fucking asshole." You manage to say before he licks your horns again, arousing you. "Jeeze Karkat, maybe later. Not in the middle of the kitchen." He laughed at the scowl you directed him. "Really? I will fucking kill you." You threatened him in disbelief. He gives your horn another lick before tilting your head up to look at him. "Oh really?" He fakes the question, knowing you couldn't hurt him. "Yes John, I will." You snarl at him but he pretends to be hurt. " I'm hurt Karkitty." You mentally facepalm yourself. "Fine I won't kill you. Just stop with the nicknames and sexual innuendo about every insult I make." John grinned, obviously ignoring what you said. "What? Are you telling me you don't like my in your end does?"  
In all honesty you find his 'new ways' hilarious. Whilst it's a Strider's thing to say that, the fact John has started because he likes you just makes you happy. That for once in life, Karkat Vantas has not made a complete fuckery of the vomit called a life. In fact you started to rant. "JUST STOP IT WITH THE WHOLE 'EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING SEXUAL' THING. YOU KNOW WHAT, WHILST WE ARE ON THIS TOPIC, HOW CAN YOU NOT BE A HOMOSEXUAL IF- MMPH!" John silenced you with his lips.  
(3rd pov)

John stopped Karkat sentence with a kiss and the troll almost immediately returned the gesture, getting the message to shut the fuck up. They retaliated kisses back and fourth until karkats ear pricked up, hearing footsteps of someone who he knew very well. The footsteps were light but heavy and had a certain rhythm to them. The person coming towards the kitchen was an arrogant prick, in Karkat's opinion of course. Upon this he stopped all movement and John tilted his head in confusion before hearing what karkat sensed approaching. Gently grabbing John's arm, Karkat dashed behind the counter of said kitchen where they were, just to see someone enter the room. He silenced John with a finger against his lips as they listened to the person who interrupted their 'session'.

Dave

You were hungry. More importantly, lacking fucking apple juice. Not a single god has bestowed upon you the gift of apple juice. Not even Rose has made it yet. You go into the kitchen, previously hearing noise before and hoping to make yourself a sandwich. What you find instead is a counter covered in supplies and a bowl full of batter. So now you have to investigate this. Though this is a case Terezi would be more interested in than you. All you want is a sandwich and apple juice. On further inspection, the batter is actually cookie dough. Shit tasting and needing improvement so as a Strider, you make the cookies to perfection. After leveling out the ingredients and adding a sufficient amount of sugar to the bowl, you dolloped it onto a baking tray and into the oven. Usually your skills only accelerated to the microwave, but today they were improving to the oven stage. You waited for them to be done.

The more you wait, the more you feel like you're being watched. As if someone is hiding- oh gog. What if John is trying to pull a prank on you? Turning your back on the cookies, you establish no one is outside to kitchen area. But someone is inside it. If only Terezi was here, she could sniff him out in a second. Then again, you were the knight of time. So you could just... nah that's an effort. You stood against the island/counter, whatever it was, and waited for the cookies. Then you heard the slightest movement. A small shuffle from right behind you. Bingo. You crouched and flung the cupboard doors open, revealing Karkat and John. You knew Egderp was in here. "So, someone trying to prank me now eh?" It wasn't so much of a question, more like a statement. John giggled and nodded as Karkat grumbled and they both got out. "Now, you don't actually think you can ever prank a Strider, right? I'm up on so many levels it's impossible to do such a thing." You smirked as Karkat grumbled something. "At least I can try!" John smiled enthusiastically. You opened the oven door after shrugging your shoulders, not really caring.

You pulled the steaming cookies from the oven and grabbed 4, placing them on a plate. 8 Were remaining since you made 12 in total. That's 4 each. "Because my cookies are so fine with irony, I will let you devour them and let you appreciate the awesomeness that is Dave Fucking Strider." Behind your shades you were analysing them, flicking back and forth between the two of them. "I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY THAT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super." Karkat even imitated Kanaya's voice so perfectly, it was hard to hold back a chuckle. "You know it Karkles. I will leave you two lovebirds to it." From being around Rose it was easy to read people and now obvious that they were hiding after you interrupted their 'session'. Gog you are good. "Dave I am not a homosexual!" John tried to yell but you were far from convinced. It was as bright as day that a thing was going on between those two. You just smirked and headed to the library, Rose was going to love this.

John

"Did he buy it?" You whispered to Karkat as he frowned. "Doubt it." You sighed knowing Dave was stubborn as fuck and would not change his mind. "First one to the cookies wins!" You yelled as Karkat was startled by your sudden outburst. It wasn't long before he was behind you as you were about to grab the cookies. However Karkat pounced on you, both of you falling to the ground just because of Dave's cookies and Karkat pinned you underneath him. "I love you." You sincerely smiled, and he smiled back. "Love you too fuckass."

**Author's Note:**

> One of my first fanfics, the wonders of baking...


End file.
